I found a box of photos yesterday. What was most surprising to me, beyond the obvious of how much time has passed, was that I had blocked out so many memories. It’s no wonder that I have always been a woman on the verge of something with never actually seeing much through to fruition. I am realizing that whenever anyone or anything really good came too close, I shut it out. I shut it all out. I erase everything. I never learned how to keep something for myself. I would subconsciously reinvent myself and start all over again. It’s exhausting. It’s also no wonder that there’s a part of me that is still very child-like and naive. Arrested development. I have been walking away from everything my whole life. I have always been easily accessible and also easily spooked. Sadly, that doesn’t mean that I would listen to those instincts. In fact, ironically, in the past (and I’m still working on it), I would become tolerant and endure situations that most would walk away from. I suppose that it is not so unusual for most artist and creative types. But, we must grow up and become adults especially if we are to have any kind of resiliency in this world because it doesn’t stop for us.
I wish I could say that these reflections came to me on a deeper level. But, honestly, I was watching “Chopped.” There, I said it. I was checking out, watching the Food Network and the contestants were all people who had been able to overcome addiction or other obstacles in their lives and find a focus and put their passion into food and become successful. I see this as a common theme with many chefs. I love that my daughter refers to me as a chef. George Eliot said, “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” I have taken those words to heart. I was given my first cookbook when I was seven years old and sat glued to the TV never to miss an episode of The Galloping Gourmet. Much later in the mid 90’s I became addicted to the Food Network when it was informative and they had real chefs (although I loved Ready, Set, Cook!…we used to play it at home – mostly because we were broke and we had to rummage through the pantry and work with what we had). So, maybe I haven’t completely reinvented myself. Maybe, I’m revisiting.